Walking Into The Unknown

So there I am, at the SeaTac airport, waiting to board my flight to San Diego, and I am freaking out!

Thoughts start running through my head:
Why on Earth am I doing this??
What was I thinking??
I'm not prepared for this!!
Why did I think I could do something like this??
This is crazy!!!!

Just sheer unadulterated panic, and a little unfiltered doubt on the side. My fear has followed me here and taken hold of me once more. It started the minute I stepped into the terminal and realized that from here on out, I'm in totally foreign territory. I am walking into the unknown. Alone.

People ask me all the time when they find out I'm a solo female hiker: "Aren't you scared?"

The truth? Hell yes I'm scared.

But here's the thing about fear. I've noticed that fear, in the spectrum of human emotion, is the most detrimental emotion to a human soul. It's potent, but usually does more harm than good. It's the fast food of emotions. Fear can keep us alive to some degree, sure, it keeps us out of potentially life-threatening situations. But we live in a pretty non-threatening world, and so fear these days is largely unhelpful to us. Instead, it keeps us from living the lives we've always dreamed of. Think about how many times in your life you have said something to the tune of "Oh, I've always wanted to do something like that, but..."

That's fear people. Controlling you, holding you back, telling you "you can't". Fear is the only true human limitation. It is strong, and it is cunning. It strikes when you least expect and are most vulnerable, and it will hold you in its vice grip forever unless you can manage to wriggle free. Fear is the cage we must all find a way to escape.

So there I am, standing at my gate, trapped in fear's clutches again. I escaped the cage, and was bounding across the lawn towards my freedom. I was a few leaps from the edge of the woods, the wild world where I could be truly free, when suddenly I am yanked back. Breathless and confused, I look down and see I am tethered to the cage, by a mere few hundred feet of rope. I am caught between two worlds. I know only a few options are present to me here. I can resign myself to this confinement, and lope somewhat morosely back to my cage and lay there, safe in the familiar. Or, if I choose quickly, I can chew my way through the rope and continue on. The rope is fraying and my teeth are sharp. But everything I love is back there! My family, good food, soft beds, all these things that I hold dear! But my spirit is wild, and the woods are calling...

My phone rings and I'm brought back to the terminal. It's my mom. She's calling because I had texted her that I was nervous. I am tearful as she reminds me how prepared I am, how hard I've worked for this, how proud she is of me. She tells me to stop psyching myself out. Good old mom, she's always right. In my mind's eye, I look at the rope again and it loosens and is suddenly gone, vanished, as if it was never there. Just my imagination.

I shoulder my pack and I board the plane.

As I walk through the cabin of the plane, looking for my seat, I hear a voice call out. "Hey! Are you going to Scout and Frodo's?"

I turn back to see a middle aged man in glasses beaming up at me.

"Yes!" I reply, "Are you?"

"Yeah!"

I offer him my hand in introduction.

"I'm Carolyn."

"Brad," he replies, shaking my hand, still beaming.

I have just met the first of my PCT classmates.

People are shuffling behind me now so I have to move on, but I make a mental note to find Brad the minute we land. I finally find my seat, settle in, and realize I am grinning from ear to ear. I was miserable moments ago, and now I am ecstatic. I'm not alone.